Last night Zack had pack meeting for Scouts.. The moms had or “got ” to stay and so on the patches… I ended up talking to one of the Scout leaders, about my other blog, and how it is unleashing some dark issues but some major anger towards my mother. Which I always knew I had, I just didn’t know I had so much. We talked about CPS and how its far from perfect, the foster system and other stuff.. It was nice talking to him, it brought some unexpected tears, but non the less it was nice…. ( it was also nice that Linda Ann had all my small kids, so I didn’t have to worry about them, Thanks again!!)
Devun came home yesterday with a hand written invitation to a birthday party that is tonight 4-8.. I don’t know who the boy is. I know he lives in an apartment off Galindo… I told him I didn’t want him to go, he was upset So I told him he needed to talk to Anthony about it..
Today Anthony said, So I guess Devun has a birthday party to go too.. I was a little upset because I didn’t want him to go.. But Anthony said he could go and made the argument that he was to sheltered like me, and he has no social skills and needs to make friends… I know he needs friends, but I would like to know who they are .. Am I wrong? I made the point Hey, I was too sheltered by one person, but totally NOT shelter by another.. I would much rather be sheltered !
Then we went into talking about the blog that I am writing, and it is apparent that he doesn’t think I should be writing it…
I disagree, I need to be writing it so I can overcome some of my issues.. It is just like going to a counselor.. But I am staying in my home writing it… He doesn’t think I should be writing about our high school years.. But then again, I think that people need to understand when you are not doing stuff you should be, life is NOT going to be easy.. And your choices really do affect everyone around you..
He, just doesn’t want to come off as the BAD GUY.. He keeps reminding me that he has repented of those sins, and I shouldn’t be thinking about them anymore. I am not planning on ratting him out, just stating the obvious
I don’t tell my kids we had Devun before we wore married. But one day they are going to find out.. It’s easy math… I don’t want them to think, HEY- you and dad did it, and you guys are really happy.. Why can’t we…
So yes, it has brought a lot of angry out of hiding.. But, before I wrote this I was angry all the time, just taking it out on the wrong people… (hint the depression meds).. And with me being pregnant, not on my medication & in a very dark place I really think this is helping!
I know I am going on and on.. Maybe I am trying to justify it to myself, why I am doing it… Maybe I should make it a private blog… But I will tell you one thing…
I kept having these horrible dreams, and since I have been writing this the dreams have stopped.. And they were hunting me far more than writing it down is.